...To Spite Your Face

When I was 13, I was a Candystriper, volunteering all my time at St. Joseph Hospital. Had some interesting opportunities and experiences there, one of which was "running" the ER in the basement. It was a tiny 2 table enterprise, and mainly I just had to be there waiting for trouble to show up so I could call the residents and nurses down from the 4th floor (Surgery), then buzz around getting out surgical trays, doing their bidding whatever. I was remarkably poised-I have no idea how-and I calmly handled everything from auto accidents to BBQ burns to DOAs. But then one day they brought in a tiny baby whose little nose had been severed, and I lost it.(My composure, not the nose.) I was in tears and had to leave the room as they sutured it back on. My only breakdown.

Fast forward about 13 more years, and I was on my way outside to hang laundry on the line. You were about 18 months old. We were spending a month in a small old rental while our first home was being finished, and the place had a side door to the backyard. There was a porch, with 4 or 5 steps, but no railings. As I opened the screen door with the laundry basket in my arms, I didn't see you there, and nonchalantly knocked you totally off it. When I picked you up, I was horrified to see your nose torn completely off on one side, and only hanging by a small thread of skin on the other. Normally I'm a rock in a crisis, but not this time! I was beside myself. Fortunately, we had company visiting with us that week---Aunt Jan, Aunt Pam, maybe Aunt Cindy. Together they took control and remained calm enough to call your Dad, who came home and took us to the doctor. They called in a surgeon to do the honors, and he was so distracted by my overt distress that he was more concerned about my condition than yours.

I have no idea if I'd had some kind of a premonition all those years before and so had reacted dramatically then, or if I was conditioned by the initial experience and hence reacted so strongly the next time I saw it. Either way, my cup of guilt overfloweth---"cutting off your nose to spite your face" is still a hurtful phrase to me. It was just the beginning for your face tho, guess you have much bigger scars and stories to tell now....