I was glued to the computer for such an extraordinary amount of time, that I had ignored nature's call until it became a Hallelujah Chorus/Punk Rock Edition that bypassed the auditory system and went straight to the urinary track. Did I mention that first thing in the morning I drink a liter of Greens???
I desperately tried to respond and grabbed my crutches and fell back to the couch. Too late! I was being overtaken, so I tried to think rationally about Plan B. There was a trash bag on the floor which I kept nearby for when I needed to waterproof my leg in order to shower--- hey, I could improvise a porta potty!
Then I remembered how often my leg got soaked in the shower anyway and how expensive the flooring in my daughter's home is, so I instinctively grabbed my pillow and stuck it between my legs--- Plan C! I struggled to get up on the crutches while keeping my knees (one bent) together to keep the pillow in place! This was beyond my natural capabilities, far beyond. A few failed attempts and a power beyond myself stepped in and I was up, straddling that polyester like a horse and galloping off to the bathroom. Talk about amazing grace!
Well, at least such was my intention. My daughter had thrown all the dirty clothes down from the 2nd story balcony during the night, so when I got out of the family room, I encountered a staggering laundry obstacle course! The bottom of one of the crutches would hook onto a bra strap, and I would have to pause to figure out how to extricate it without letting my knees out of their locked position so as to lose what little sense of false security I could cling to. And I do mean cling! I would just manage to move ahead and get hung up on boxers. It's true the devil is in the details. Twice, I slipped. In full wannabe gallop mode, I inched my way forward, the giggling now interspersed with tears. It was slow going. And the pressure was on; oh, was the pressure on!
So I eventually made it to the john and was able to save the floor, not so much the pillow---praise be that it was kingsize. I felt guilty and humbled and decided to come clean. I removed my skirt and underwear and started the shower right then and there, keeping my shirt on for the moment. Then I realized I had no towel available and so began crutching over to the laundry room down the hall, hoping all the towels hadn't been in the dirty array before me minutes ago during my journey/quest/ordeal. I grabbed what was easily available--- a handful of white washcloths. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
No one was home during this crisis and as I was limping back to the shower, it hit me that my son, who lives there, was out and might be returning who knows when. For no apparent reason, I thought what a shock it would be for him to walk in on his Mom in a too natural state. Oops, how to hurry and cover up? Realizing I needed the trash bag after all to hopefully keep my splinted leg dry in the shower. I faced the dirty laundry ordeal all over again, mercifully without the pillow, and did manage to return to the scene of the crime, said couch. I duct taped the trash bag to my leg, then realized I had no scissors to cut it, so just left the roll of tape there at the front of my knee. Back through the laundry (doesn't this remind you of "Going on a Tiger Hunt"?) .
Made it! In the shower I became overheated and exhausted and immediately realized I hadn't eaten yet; I was beyond dizzy, so to keep from passing out, I ended up on my hands and knees on the bottom of the tub. Well almost, the roll of duct tape protruding from the front of my knee actually prevented that from fully happening, so then I tried to escape by lifting myself up and out, while keeping the one leg "safely" hanging over the side. Unfortunately, the only hold I could find was a slippery soap holder on the far side of the tub. Over and over my hand kept slipping back down. I was trapped. Giggling wildly now, no tears, I tried repeatedly to elevate. Fool's errand. It did happen eventually, though by then I was likely in another dimension. I grabbed the little pile of washcloths to dry off.
I was exhausted and sweating by the time I made it through the dirty laundry jungle yet again and collapsed on the couch. I was still unclothed, except for one washcloth on my hair and the trash bag around my leg. I composed myself and realized I still hadn't found any scissors to release myself from the trash bag and the duct tape loyally holding it to me. With no energy left to get up again, I glanced around and saw my dinner dish from the night before on the floor not far from me. What choice did I have? I grabbed what was available and forked myself (in the bag) to get free. It worked! With sudden clarity, I realized I had literally screwed myself that morning.... I got dressed.
Later, when my family returned, my daughter noticed I was a little spent and asked what had happened while she was gone. "Oh, nothing, hon," I winked. See, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. What did you think?
EPILOGUE: She found the pillow, and to be sure, they have a lovely new couch....
Made it! In the shower I became overheated and exhausted and immediately realized I hadn't eaten yet; I was beyond dizzy, so to keep from passing out, I ended up on my hands and knees on the bottom of the tub. Well almost, the roll of duct tape protruding from the front of my knee actually prevented that from fully happening, so then I tried to escape by lifting myself up and out, while keeping the one leg "safely" hanging over the side. Unfortunately, the only hold I could find was a slippery soap holder on the far side of the tub. Over and over my hand kept slipping back down. I was trapped. Giggling wildly now, no tears, I tried repeatedly to elevate. Fool's errand. It did happen eventually, though by then I was likely in another dimension. I grabbed the little pile of washcloths to dry off.
I was exhausted and sweating by the time I made it through the dirty laundry jungle yet again and collapsed on the couch. I was still unclothed, except for one washcloth on my hair and the trash bag around my leg. I composed myself and realized I still hadn't found any scissors to release myself from the trash bag and the duct tape loyally holding it to me. With no energy left to get up again, I glanced around and saw my dinner dish from the night before on the floor not far from me. What choice did I have? I grabbed what was available and forked myself (in the bag) to get free. It worked! With sudden clarity, I realized I had literally screwed myself that morning.... I got dressed.
Later, when my family returned, my daughter noticed I was a little spent and asked what had happened while she was gone. "Oh, nothing, hon," I winked. See, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. What did you think?
EPILOGUE: She found the pillow, and to be sure, they have a lovely new couch....
1 comment:
Melinda,
I don't know what to say other than "You can take the normal foot out of the woman but you can't separate the woman from her wit and determination"!
Sounds like you're in good-hands! I hope you can walk normally to the commode by the holidays.....Thanksgiving or Christmas! Certainly before the New Year! Keep the recovery going!
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