Oh it started out innocently enough, my foot (and I don't say that lightly anymore, believe me.) At dinnertime, all the neighborhood kids had swarmed onto the trampoline, so there was chaos afoot (I can't help myself, forgive me). Hey, I can take it--- I was in the midst of chaos for 30+ years raising my brood, but things moved to the dark side abruptly when 7 year old Carter, from down the block, moseyed on in to the kitchen, and glancing my way, said to Willow, "How old is that woman on the couch?" like he was in the Egyptian mummy section of the Natural History Museum.
"Well," she returned, "how old do you think?"
"A hundred and fifty," he said without equivocation.
A HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Way to go, Carter. Did I mention I have seen him at least a couple of times a week practically all Fall, and this guesstimate he made from seeing the back of my head on the couch?? My daughter corroborated his insult, naturally. Right then and there, I expected them to start charging the other kids to see the oldest woman in the world. Like I haven't been humiliated enough already.
Okay, so live and let live. Obviously I'm too ancient and feeble to chase them down to allow any other alternative. I suck my thumb, drooling and shaking, and eventually go to sleep, hours later.
Just before 2 am, the phone rings. The phone rings again. The phone rings again and I hear it this time (literally on the couch with me, 3 inches from my good ear) and I listen to the message, something about kids sleepwalking. Weird. The phone rings again, so I answer it and find it's their neighbor, Karen.
Okay, so live and let live. Obviously I'm too ancient and feeble to chase them down to allow any other alternative. I suck my thumb, drooling and shaking, and eventually go to sleep, hours later.
Just before 2 am, the phone rings. The phone rings again. The phone rings again and I hear it this time (literally on the couch with me, 3 inches from my good ear) and I listen to the message, something about kids sleepwalking. Weird. The phone rings again, so I answer it and find it's their neighbor, Karen.
"I got up to go to the bathroom, and heard a kid crying in your backyard. Do the kids sleepwalk?"
My kids did, so I thought perhaps theirs might, so I told her I'd check. Like any other superhero to the rescue, I fearlessly jumped up on my crutches to save my possibly endangered grandchild! Then, despite being suddenly awakened, I had a flash and remembered the alarm system was on. I turned my Alzheimer's off and capably disarmed the security system. Not having time to gloat with such rare success, I stumbled to the back door. Outside I heard only the clop, clop of my crutches, nothing more.
Satisfied no one was in danger on my watch, I went inside and the Alzheimer's kicked back on with the flick of the light switch and I only remembered I didn't remember how to turn on the alarm again. So I went to Wayne's room, and he was up and clued me in.
Satisfied no one was in danger on my watch, I went inside and the Alzheimer's kicked back on with the flick of the light switch and I only remembered I didn't remember how to turn on the alarm again. So I went to Wayne's room, and he was up and clued me in.
I told him the story and he chimed in with "Last night the police helicopter swept the 4 feet of side yard next to my window. Something must have been up. Then too I saw a cat jump up the granite boulders. Who knows?"
Immediately an email I'd received and forwarded a few days ago jumped into my mind--- all about ways to prevent someone from being attacked/carjacked/raped/killed/whatever. The last tip was about how the new strategy for serial killers/whoever was to play a recording of a crying baby to lure unsuspecting women to open their doors, then WHAMMO! Suddenly the plot thickened. I couldn't wait to explain to Willow and Shane in the morning what had transpired, and thanks to me what had not, during the night.
That was lame. They were aghast--- not at my amazing prowess and undaunted courage in the middle of the night, but at my utter stupidity in disarming the security system and exposing the entire family to the dark powers lurking outside, especially when I myself piped up to remind them of the email alert.
That was lame. They were aghast--- not at my amazing prowess and undaunted courage in the middle of the night, but at my utter stupidity in disarming the security system and exposing the entire family to the dark powers lurking outside, especially when I myself piped up to remind them of the email alert.
"Are you kidding?" Willow said in disbelief.
"Listen," I said, "it was clearly implied in that message, that the baby crying would be at the FRONT door. Not to mention people are intimidated by my crutches.... Ace in the hole--- any rapist savvy enough to be in the backyard, would end up running for his life, screaming,"She's A HUNDRED AND FIFTY, for Pete's sake, A HUNDRED AND FIFTY; HELP ME, HELP ME!!!!!!"
I think they think it's time for the OLD girl to get the show on the road. So I moved back home again. No one here better think I'm a day over 45...if they know what's good for them.
"Listen," I said, "it was clearly implied in that message, that the baby crying would be at the FRONT door. Not to mention people are intimidated by my crutches.... Ace in the hole--- any rapist savvy enough to be in the backyard, would end up running for his life, screaming,"She's A HUNDRED AND FIFTY, for Pete's sake, A HUNDRED AND FIFTY; HELP ME, HELP ME!!!!!!"
I think they think it's time for the OLD girl to get the show on the road. So I moved back home again. No one here better think I'm a day over 45...if they know what's good for them.
5 comments:
ha ha what were you thinking? a whole family in danger while a helpless woman put us all in danger. thank goodness we are still here to tell the story.
Gotta love the carter. He has given us a few laughs lately!
Miss you!
Obviously not thinking at a 2 am---that surprises you??? Being awakened from deep sleep, I could have been thinking I was chasing dragons or whatnot(now there's a word I've never used before). I just know, as always, I am trying to save family, however HAPHAZARDly. I honestly didn't think for a minute the kids were out there or I would have yelled for Shane, though there's no way on earth he would have heard me. I assumed it was a cat, because I had one in California outside the window at times that was eerily haunting, just like an injured child.
Is this going to be a lawsuit?
Love,
Poor-innocent-as-they-come-Grandma
P.S. If it is, I'm getting Carter to testify in my behalf.(Oh, the bitter irony!)
(I had to delete this comment above for misspelling "in"---can't seem to do anything right. But then it is a challenging word.... Guess sit pays to preview)
Very Funny!! Thanks for sharing!
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